"Dear brothers and sisters," writes Paul, "if another believer is overcome by some sin, you who are godly [lit., you who are spiritual, or you who have the (Holy) Spirit] should gently and humbly help that person back onto the right path; and be careful not to fall into the same temptation yourself. Share each other's burdens and in this way obey the Law of Christ. If you think you are too important to help someone, you are only fooling yourself. You are not that important. Pay careful attention to your own work, for then you will get the satisfaction of a job well done, and you won't need to compare yourself to anyone else. For we are each responsible for our own conduct" (Gal. 6:1-5 NLT).
What do you do on the Day you ruin your life? You certainly never dreamed that you, a regenerate believer in Jesus Christ, would sin so horribly, so deceitfully, betraying your Lord, God and Savior, your family, your friends, your brothers and sisters in Christ. Little do we know that one private sin can lead to another, which leads to another, which leads to further and further sin if not confessed, confronted, and brought under the control of the indwelling Holy Spirit. Without doubt, you never dreamed that you could drift so far from the holiness of Christ Jesus your Savior, and upend all that you were for so long working toward. What do you do on the Day that you ruin your life?
THE DAY OF MY RUIN
I remember the Day I ruined my life. Though, truth be told, there was a considerable length of time that led up to the Day. I remember the horror of having to confront those whom I wronged. I remember having to look at myself in the mirror and ask: How did you get here? How could you do this? "Or do you despise the riches of His kindness and forbearance and patience? Do you not realize that God's kindness is meant to lead you to repentance?" (Rom. 2:4 NRSV). You were just beginning to work on your Masters degree at a seminary and you threw it all away, like Esau, willing to so easily and so freely throw away your birthright for a bowl of soup because you thought you were starving and would not last through the night (Gen. 25:27-34). Were you really so hungry for what was forbidden that you would trade all that was so graciously given to you for "sin which so easily entangles" (Heb. 12:1 NIV)? "See that no one is sexually immoral, or is godless like Esau, who for a single meal sold his inheritance rights as the oldest son. Afterward, as you know, when he wanted to inherit this blessing, he was rejected. Even though he sought the blessing with tears, he could not change what he had done" (Heb. 12:16-17 NIV). He had ruined his life.
THE DAY OF MY RECKONING
When I could finally get to myself, I asked God for forgiveness, and asked Him to heal the damage I had caused--to my former friend, to the staff and students of the seminary and college, to my family, church, and friends. I was in over my head. I had caused too much disgrace, too much emotional pain, to do anything but to humble myself and assume all blame. I called my pastor, confessed my sin, and asked him what I should do. He said: "Come home." That answer meant that I would have to face my family, my friends, and my church who was paying for my education. Walking into that church the next Sunday morning was the most difficult task I ever faced. I wasn't sure I was going to be able to do it. I wanted to vomit in the church parking lot. I snuck in during opening prayer hoping to go unnoticed. Little by little I could hear whispers behind me. Many of the congregants knew I had walked in. The pastor preached his sermon, called for people to trust in Christ Jesus, and then closed in prayer, saying, "Lord, you know full well that I am the worst sinner in this place," and then he choked up in tears.
THE DAY OF GRACE
At that moment I wanted to die. Even typing those words, some 12 years later, tears still fill and overflow my eyes. God knew full well that I, actually, was the worst sinner in that place on that day. Yet, my pastor-friend's words were true for him, for he sees himself no better than anyone else. We are all saved by the same grace of God, by the same blood of Jesus, and indwelt by the same Holy Spirit. My sin was public. The sins of others are private. But we are sinners all. I didn't want his prayer to end. I wanted us to all close our eyes and keep them closed forever. I did not want to open my eyes because that meant I had to look at all 300 of my brothers and sisters in Christ. He said, "Amen," and then, when I turned around to pick up my Bible from the pew, a line had already formed right beside me of people wanting to hug my neck, squeeze my heartbroken body, and tell me that they love me and will never stop praying for me. I was in awe. This is what grace looks like.
A NEW WAY OF BEING
No one dismissed my sin. No one told me that what I had done "wasn't that bad." We all agreed that I had sinned. We all agreed that I was fully to blame. We all agreed that I had ruined my life by my own poor choices. We all also agreed that grace is not earned. These people were not willing to discard me for my heinous sin. But I also had some work to do. I was in therapy for over two and a half years and I don't mind confessing that the therapy saved my life (in a manner of speaking). Through a very long and detailed process, I was brought to understand why I had done what I did, given that no action ever occurs in a vacuum--meaning, there are always causes that lead to an action, and I had to work through those causes in order to learn to think properly and avoid such thinking and behavior in the future. I had to own my choices or else they would own me. I had to look honestly at myself and own who I am, what I had done, and commit to finding a new way of being.
Two works in particular helped me during this time of healing and discovery--the first of which was recommended by a therapist friend, Henri Nouwen's Can You Drink the Cup, which also led me to his The Inner Voice of Love: A Journey Through Anguish to Freedom. I have read and re-read both several times over. I knew that learning to think and to feel properly, and to embrace who I am as a unique human being loved and graced by God, would take time. That allowed me to relax and to take as much time as I needed to learn, to grow, to heal. I thought the shame would never go away. I wanted so much to contact the friend I offended but that desire never materialized. I prayed many prayers for my former friend. I prayed for all whom I hurt. But I couldn't live in the past, I couldn't live in fear and shame, and I had to slowly but determinately move toward letting go of the shame. A therapist friend of mine reminded me that Guilt tells us what we did, but Shame tries to tell us who we are, that we are forever shameful. That is not true. We can work beyond the shame and live in a new and healthy way.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
We live such unique lives. My struggles are not yours and yours are not mine. Men and women will always disappoint us in one way or another. We are none perfect. When someone we respect and love chooses to sin--I mean, let's face it, most sin is intentional--we have to remember a few facts: 1) only Jesus is sinlessly perfect; 2) we all sin to one degree or another and so none of us is without sin; 3) we must learn the habit of killing idols in our lives, meaning, we should not think of our favorite preacher / teacher / singer in a Messianic light; 4) we also should not think of ourselves more highly than we ought (Rom. 12:3); and 5) when someone sins particularly grievously, publicly, we should remind ourselves that we are all capable of grievous sin, we should pray for the individual and all affected by the sin, and remind ourselves that there are many regenerate believers who are not sinning grievously. We are to keep our eyes on Jesus, "the pioneer and perfecter of our faith" (Heb. 12:2). When we sin, we should remind ourselves that we are still called to repent, and then to "lay aside every weight and the sin that clings so closely, and let us run with perseverance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus" (Heb. 12:1-2 NRSV).
The world does not come to an end when someone sins publicly. Christianity is not undone by your sin. God was not dethroned. Jesus is still the Savior of sinful humanity. The faith of some will be shaken, yes, and we must never dismiss or regard lightly the heinous nature of sin. Victims will always need special care, immense protection, and should receive priority. If a crime was committed then the perpetrator needs to be apprehended. While sin can be forgiven, consequences will still follow, and soul care will need to be administered variously. I will never forget the words of Christian singer Sheila Walsh, when she was living through the nightmare of her worst days in a Psych Ward, praying to the Lord: "I didn't know I could find You, Jesus, on the floor." Yes, you can find Jesus on the floor with you, or in prison, or walking through all manner of hell, in any situation. He is still an awesome and merciful Savior, grace is still amazing, and God is still no respecter of persons. When you ruin your life, when you are at your end, look to Christ. He will show you how to live in a new way of being in the world.
WHAT ABOUT THE FUTURE?
There will come a time when you will begin to think about the future. When you ruin your life you tend to think what kind of future is possible for you. What are your options? Since each case in life is different then future possibilities will vary. A pastor friend of mine was caught in adultery, losing his pastoral ministry, as well as his family. He then became a used car salesman. I wanted to become a professor of Historical Theology but I now manage a local mom-and-pop motel. I struggle with severe depression, I dislike my life, and I have nothing to look forward to except growing older immersed in a life filled with regret and hopelessness. Some pastors can behave inappropriately with a member of their congregation, receive discipline, and re-engage their ministry three months later. Other pastors can commit adultery, be removed from the pulpit, change denominations and re-enter pastoral ministry. The future will vary according to the personal context of each individual. What matters most, however, is clinging to Christ, thinking and living in a healthy manner so that there will be no new victims created, and to fix your eyes on eternity. Some days that is easier said than done. Yet good advice to keep our eyes on Christ is wise.
But know this: while some people will come alongside, desiring your repentance and restoration, some will take a snapshot of this moment and forever identify you for this sin. In their eyes, you will always be "that person who did that thing," and they will never allow you to be seen in any other light. Moreover, many Christians may also insist that your sin disqualifies you for any ministry whatsoever, with varying motives and explanations as to why. When I ruined my life, my first goal was to seek help, so as not to create any new victims and bring further shame on myself, my family, Christ and His Church. Years later, however, I wondered about my future--what options would be available for me. I saw no ministry options, no career in academia, nothing but a menial job that pays less than my accumulated debts (student loans, credit cards, etc.). I wish you a better future than what I'm experiencing. Still, spiritually, my gaze must be Christward. There is no turning back. I'm at least grateful to be forgiven. This is what happens when you ruin your life. Flee from sin--always. Cling to Jesus.
CONCLUSION
I say that I have nothing to look forward to but a life filled with regret and hopelessness. But this in no way means that I can't be reconciled, with God and family and friends and the church, or that I can't be restored by the grace of Jesus: see "When Jesus Restores Your Ruined Life." A major encourager in my life passed away unexpectedly years ago and I had no one else--seriously, no one else on earth--to spur me on in my life. I told his wife that, because I ruined my life, I couldn't fulfill my dream. She replied: "Then re-imagine your dream." She was calling me to cast a new vision in my life, for my life (and for the rest of my life), to find a way to see that dream come true in some other form.
Anyone in psychology will tell you that if we don't have goals to work toward in the future then we can get ourselves into all sorts of trouble psychologically and physiologically (behaviorally). There seems to be an element to our humanity that strives for accomplishing and always working toward accomplishing and refining a passion within us. We are, to a large degree, purpose-driven creatures. We gain a sense of life-fulfillment when we are engaging in what drives us from within. So, then, when you ruin your life, when you've had some time to gather yourself in a healthy state of mind, the time will come to re-imagine your place in this world for the glory of God in Christ. Don't give up.
What do you do on the Day you ruin your life? You certainly never dreamed that you, a regenerate believer in Jesus Christ, would sin so horribly, so deceitfully, betraying your Lord, God and Savior, your family, your friends, your brothers and sisters in Christ. Little do we know that one private sin can lead to another, which leads to another, which leads to further and further sin if not confessed, confronted, and brought under the control of the indwelling Holy Spirit. Without doubt, you never dreamed that you could drift so far from the holiness of Christ Jesus your Savior, and upend all that you were for so long working toward. What do you do on the Day that you ruin your life?
THE DAY OF MY RUIN
I remember the Day I ruined my life. Though, truth be told, there was a considerable length of time that led up to the Day. I remember the horror of having to confront those whom I wronged. I remember having to look at myself in the mirror and ask: How did you get here? How could you do this? "Or do you despise the riches of His kindness and forbearance and patience? Do you not realize that God's kindness is meant to lead you to repentance?" (Rom. 2:4 NRSV). You were just beginning to work on your Masters degree at a seminary and you threw it all away, like Esau, willing to so easily and so freely throw away your birthright for a bowl of soup because you thought you were starving and would not last through the night (Gen. 25:27-34). Were you really so hungry for what was forbidden that you would trade all that was so graciously given to you for "sin which so easily entangles" (Heb. 12:1 NIV)? "See that no one is sexually immoral, or is godless like Esau, who for a single meal sold his inheritance rights as the oldest son. Afterward, as you know, when he wanted to inherit this blessing, he was rejected. Even though he sought the blessing with tears, he could not change what he had done" (Heb. 12:16-17 NIV). He had ruined his life.
THE DAY OF MY RECKONING
When I could finally get to myself, I asked God for forgiveness, and asked Him to heal the damage I had caused--to my former friend, to the staff and students of the seminary and college, to my family, church, and friends. I was in over my head. I had caused too much disgrace, too much emotional pain, to do anything but to humble myself and assume all blame. I called my pastor, confessed my sin, and asked him what I should do. He said: "Come home." That answer meant that I would have to face my family, my friends, and my church who was paying for my education. Walking into that church the next Sunday morning was the most difficult task I ever faced. I wasn't sure I was going to be able to do it. I wanted to vomit in the church parking lot. I snuck in during opening prayer hoping to go unnoticed. Little by little I could hear whispers behind me. Many of the congregants knew I had walked in. The pastor preached his sermon, called for people to trust in Christ Jesus, and then closed in prayer, saying, "Lord, you know full well that I am the worst sinner in this place," and then he choked up in tears.
THE DAY OF GRACE
At that moment I wanted to die. Even typing those words, some 12 years later, tears still fill and overflow my eyes. God knew full well that I, actually, was the worst sinner in that place on that day. Yet, my pastor-friend's words were true for him, for he sees himself no better than anyone else. We are all saved by the same grace of God, by the same blood of Jesus, and indwelt by the same Holy Spirit. My sin was public. The sins of others are private. But we are sinners all. I didn't want his prayer to end. I wanted us to all close our eyes and keep them closed forever. I did not want to open my eyes because that meant I had to look at all 300 of my brothers and sisters in Christ. He said, "Amen," and then, when I turned around to pick up my Bible from the pew, a line had already formed right beside me of people wanting to hug my neck, squeeze my heartbroken body, and tell me that they love me and will never stop praying for me. I was in awe. This is what grace looks like.
A NEW WAY OF BEING
No one dismissed my sin. No one told me that what I had done "wasn't that bad." We all agreed that I had sinned. We all agreed that I was fully to blame. We all agreed that I had ruined my life by my own poor choices. We all also agreed that grace is not earned. These people were not willing to discard me for my heinous sin. But I also had some work to do. I was in therapy for over two and a half years and I don't mind confessing that the therapy saved my life (in a manner of speaking). Through a very long and detailed process, I was brought to understand why I had done what I did, given that no action ever occurs in a vacuum--meaning, there are always causes that lead to an action, and I had to work through those causes in order to learn to think properly and avoid such thinking and behavior in the future. I had to own my choices or else they would own me. I had to look honestly at myself and own who I am, what I had done, and commit to finding a new way of being.
Two works in particular helped me during this time of healing and discovery--the first of which was recommended by a therapist friend, Henri Nouwen's Can You Drink the Cup, which also led me to his The Inner Voice of Love: A Journey Through Anguish to Freedom. I have read and re-read both several times over. I knew that learning to think and to feel properly, and to embrace who I am as a unique human being loved and graced by God, would take time. That allowed me to relax and to take as much time as I needed to learn, to grow, to heal. I thought the shame would never go away. I wanted so much to contact the friend I offended but that desire never materialized. I prayed many prayers for my former friend. I prayed for all whom I hurt. But I couldn't live in the past, I couldn't live in fear and shame, and I had to slowly but determinately move toward letting go of the shame. A therapist friend of mine reminded me that Guilt tells us what we did, but Shame tries to tell us who we are, that we are forever shameful. That is not true. We can work beyond the shame and live in a new and healthy way.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
We live such unique lives. My struggles are not yours and yours are not mine. Men and women will always disappoint us in one way or another. We are none perfect. When someone we respect and love chooses to sin--I mean, let's face it, most sin is intentional--we have to remember a few facts: 1) only Jesus is sinlessly perfect; 2) we all sin to one degree or another and so none of us is without sin; 3) we must learn the habit of killing idols in our lives, meaning, we should not think of our favorite preacher / teacher / singer in a Messianic light; 4) we also should not think of ourselves more highly than we ought (Rom. 12:3); and 5) when someone sins particularly grievously, publicly, we should remind ourselves that we are all capable of grievous sin, we should pray for the individual and all affected by the sin, and remind ourselves that there are many regenerate believers who are not sinning grievously. We are to keep our eyes on Jesus, "the pioneer and perfecter of our faith" (Heb. 12:2). When we sin, we should remind ourselves that we are still called to repent, and then to "lay aside every weight and the sin that clings so closely, and let us run with perseverance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus" (Heb. 12:1-2 NRSV).
The world does not come to an end when someone sins publicly. Christianity is not undone by your sin. God was not dethroned. Jesus is still the Savior of sinful humanity. The faith of some will be shaken, yes, and we must never dismiss or regard lightly the heinous nature of sin. Victims will always need special care, immense protection, and should receive priority. If a crime was committed then the perpetrator needs to be apprehended. While sin can be forgiven, consequences will still follow, and soul care will need to be administered variously. I will never forget the words of Christian singer Sheila Walsh, when she was living through the nightmare of her worst days in a Psych Ward, praying to the Lord: "I didn't know I could find You, Jesus, on the floor." Yes, you can find Jesus on the floor with you, or in prison, or walking through all manner of hell, in any situation. He is still an awesome and merciful Savior, grace is still amazing, and God is still no respecter of persons. When you ruin your life, when you are at your end, look to Christ. He will show you how to live in a new way of being in the world.
WHAT ABOUT THE FUTURE?
There will come a time when you will begin to think about the future. When you ruin your life you tend to think what kind of future is possible for you. What are your options? Since each case in life is different then future possibilities will vary. A pastor friend of mine was caught in adultery, losing his pastoral ministry, as well as his family. He then became a used car salesman. I wanted to become a professor of Historical Theology but I now manage a local mom-and-pop motel. I struggle with severe depression, I dislike my life, and I have nothing to look forward to except growing older immersed in a life filled with regret and hopelessness. Some pastors can behave inappropriately with a member of their congregation, receive discipline, and re-engage their ministry three months later. Other pastors can commit adultery, be removed from the pulpit, change denominations and re-enter pastoral ministry. The future will vary according to the personal context of each individual. What matters most, however, is clinging to Christ, thinking and living in a healthy manner so that there will be no new victims created, and to fix your eyes on eternity. Some days that is easier said than done. Yet good advice to keep our eyes on Christ is wise.
But know this: while some people will come alongside, desiring your repentance and restoration, some will take a snapshot of this moment and forever identify you for this sin. In their eyes, you will always be "that person who did that thing," and they will never allow you to be seen in any other light. Moreover, many Christians may also insist that your sin disqualifies you for any ministry whatsoever, with varying motives and explanations as to why. When I ruined my life, my first goal was to seek help, so as not to create any new victims and bring further shame on myself, my family, Christ and His Church. Years later, however, I wondered about my future--what options would be available for me. I saw no ministry options, no career in academia, nothing but a menial job that pays less than my accumulated debts (student loans, credit cards, etc.). I wish you a better future than what I'm experiencing. Still, spiritually, my gaze must be Christward. There is no turning back. I'm at least grateful to be forgiven. This is what happens when you ruin your life. Flee from sin--always. Cling to Jesus.
CONCLUSION
I say that I have nothing to look forward to but a life filled with regret and hopelessness. But this in no way means that I can't be reconciled, with God and family and friends and the church, or that I can't be restored by the grace of Jesus: see "When Jesus Restores Your Ruined Life." A major encourager in my life passed away unexpectedly years ago and I had no one else--seriously, no one else on earth--to spur me on in my life. I told his wife that, because I ruined my life, I couldn't fulfill my dream. She replied: "Then re-imagine your dream." She was calling me to cast a new vision in my life, for my life (and for the rest of my life), to find a way to see that dream come true in some other form.
Anyone in psychology will tell you that if we don't have goals to work toward in the future then we can get ourselves into all sorts of trouble psychologically and physiologically (behaviorally). There seems to be an element to our humanity that strives for accomplishing and always working toward accomplishing and refining a passion within us. We are, to a large degree, purpose-driven creatures. We gain a sense of life-fulfillment when we are engaging in what drives us from within. So, then, when you ruin your life, when you've had some time to gather yourself in a healthy state of mind, the time will come to re-imagine your place in this world for the glory of God in Christ. Don't give up.
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